From time to time I meet with a client who will tell me that they started treating someone the same way that person treated them. At once the client was open to serving the object of affection, and now that they know that person is not willing to do the same, they now withhold the things they would organically do. This type of behavior is the beginning of internal conflict which leads to overwhelming feelings of anxiety and depression.
Anytime a client tells me they have resorted to conditional feeling, my response is always the same. “How would you feel if you were not concerned about how this person felt?” The challenge with this sentiment is that we are all in some way, shape, or form concerned about reciprocity. And with good reason. To work hard at caring when someone else may not be caring about it equally, can bring about feelings of embarrassment, lack of self-worth and the inability to trust future decisions.
True expression of feeling is almost always affected by a person’s perception of how another person feels. However, if one desires a feeling that they have accurately expressed thoughts and feelings then one must express themselves honestly, openly, and unconditionally. This is not easy to do when your dignity and ego are at stake.
How would you feel if you were not concerned about how this person felt?
The ways that one can express unconditional feelings despite feeling vulnerable is to:
1. Write down your feelings so you know how you really feel versus verbally reacting to what the other person may feel.
2. Use I-statements. Saying I’d like you to know how much I care about you is more empowering than asking a person how they feel about you and then waiting for their answer to line up with your desired response.
3. Respect your own feelings first. When you respect what you’re feeling as a visceral and organic feeling, you give yourself permission to respect what others feel. However that may be.
Remember, there is no comfort in suppressing or ignoring how one really feels because someone else may not feel it. Even if the feelings are never expressed verbally, it is important to be honest about those feelings so other unrelated relationships are not strained. Especially the relationship with self.
If you’d like assistance with effective communication please contact Tanyika Moore Healing Arts.
By: Tanyika “Tann” Moore, LMFT
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