What Do YOU Think? 4 Ways to Help You Know What You Think

I’ve been helping clients through therapy for more than a decade now, and I’ve found one common thread between each and every client who is looking for the source of their emotional unrest. This may come as a surprise but if you think it is genetics, it is not. Genetics does sometimes play a part in certain diagnoses. If mom managed depressive symptoms, it’s probable that you may, as well. This could be DNA, or this could also be a product of doing what you’ve observed in your formative development. Genetics is a factor but the most common thread that I see in the perpetuation and nurturing of emotional imbalance and unrest is quite simply… focusing on what other people think.

What will they think of me if I don’t want to work in the family business? What will they think of me if I start a candle business in my fifties? What if I suddenly leave this long-term relationship or job? What will they think of me if I decide to be the person that says “no” while everyone else says “yes”? This internal fight to decide to be true to you or to satisfy the opinions of the masses can be extremely confusing and triggering.

Most recently I was having a conversation with a good friend. I shared a perspective with her. She shared her perspective with me. Normally when we talk we have a lot of similar opinions. However, this day she said something that I did not agree with and guess what happened… nothing happened. She spoke her truth and I spoke mine. There was no argument nor there was any need to convert her to my opinion or for her to convert me to the opinion she holds. We simply stated what we both felt.

Contrary to popular opinion, most of the time when you wrestle with whether or not they (whoever they are) will care about your decision to do what feels right for you – sometimes to the point of losing sleep, grinding teeth and missing meals – the truth of the matter is most people do not care more than five minutes about a decision that you make for your life. If they do care, if they do talk about it longer than that, I guarantee you these people have absolutely no life of their own and in that case you want nothing to do with them or their opinions, anyhow. 

So at the end of your life what will you want to reflect on? 

Will you want to reflect on what other people thought or will your mind be fixed on what you thought and how you lived your life? 

There will be feedback on coping techniques and interventions that have been tested

Now I must say this may not be a clinical intervention as much as it is the voice of experience, but when you stop to wonder what they will think, it might behoove you to take a moment to look in the mirror and ask yourself what do you think? I believe it is far easier to deal with the consequences and the benefits of your own thoughts, actions and choices when they come from you and only you. I am not saying it is not important to ask for the insights and guidance of trusted friends, family, coaches, ministers and of course therapists. In the case of a licensed clinician however, the feedback you receive are not opinions at all or advice. 

Instead there will be feedback on coping techniques and interventions that have been tested, and have had good to great results, in the management of emotions and in the pursuit of well-being. Yet I digress, I think it is a good idea if not a noble idea, to run big decisions by people who have earned the right to offer their opinion in your forward movement because they have proven that is their role in your life.

However, it is not a good idea to take your concerns to a broad audience of opinionated people who may or may not have any experience in what it is you are attempting to achieve. The truth of the matter is this is the part that can be most anxiety-inducing because you begin to manage answers from too many people. Those whom you reach out to should be on your personal and exclusive VIP list. One to three people max should chime in on your major life decisions, and one of those people should always be you.

Here are four ways to check in with yourself before making decisions that will shift your narrative:

1. Write: What do you want to do? Write it down to clarify it. Read it. Rewrite it. Read it again. Then begin.
   
2. Mirror: I know it sounds weird and if you’ve recently watched the Candyman movie it might be terrifying, but looking in the mirror into your own eyes and asking yourself “What it is that I really want?” is one of the most effective ways to get the answers you need.
3. Faith: This is not just a cool girls name, it is a spiritual approach to decision making or to organizing your thoughts. Prayer, meditation, and gatherings with like minds will effectively support your next moves.
4. Visualize: You do it all day anyway but in the words of a popular Disney tune, a dream is a wish your heart makes. Dare to see it in your mind, think about how it could be in your dreams not their dreams. Refrain from letting others’ opinions about how they’re visualizing something smother your vision. No one knows you the way you know you. At the end of the day their opinion is simply the way they see it. Which is often very different from the way you see it because what is there for you to dream about and the way you dream, is not for your friend to do for you. In other words, it is not the way they might dream about it.

So…what do you think? If you’d like some help trusting what you think or support in setting up healthy boundaries around the opinions of others, please contact us at Tanyika Moore Healing Arts for a consultation or referral.

By: Tanyika “Tann” Moore, LMFT