Sometimes we work harder at trying to stay calm than we do at actually being calm. Or trying to be relatable or trying to be humble or strong or whatever. I see it a lot. Clients come in and say, “I don’t tell them how I really feel because I’m trying to be calm.” Without pointing out the obvious, not so obvious, flaw in the plan I begin to teach them relaxation techniques that actually help them achieve calmness and maintain it with a step-by-step approach.
I know someone who’s always trying to be normal and relatable. She tries to prove success hasn’t changed her. That moving from the old neighborhood has not caused her to have new perspectives. She still drives her same old car and has her same old clothes, and even has the same friends. Although, many of those friends’ inability to relate to her equates to an inability to support her adequately. Her result is she can’t fully be this evolved version of her newer self because she’s “trying” to stay down.
When this phrase – staying down – is used in certain circles it means to stay true to who you are. It’s good to never forget where you came from, but I think this phrase is quite literal. To try to stay where you no longer fit because you’ve outgrown it is literally choosing to stay down. Like a plane choosing to drive around on the freeway instead of flying in the skies to avoid offending the cars. That sounds ridiculous right? But when people do that, it seems noble.
Ditching authenticity to be what you perceive others want you to be is the worst kind of stress because it’s self-inflicted. It can also trigger depressive symptoms and also squelch desired progress toward goals.
It’s good to never forget where you came from but stay true to who you are.
The best way to try to be anything is to actually take steps toward that thing rather than avoiding it.
Trying to be calm? Try breathwork.
Trying to be kind? Try volunteer work.
Trying to be supportive? Help a friend in need.
Trying to be a better you? Call a therapist.
‘Tis the season to be giving while remembering charity starts at home. So while you’re trying to give to others, give a little tenderness to you – by simply being you.
Need help finding out who you are and being the real you? Contact us at tanyikamoorehealingarts.com for more information.
By: Tanyika “Tann” Moore, LMFT
Recent Comments